Thing one, Thing two: The tale of Ms. Right Now, part 2

At the moment I’m caught between a dilemma: two men that both lack what I want in certain areas. The gag is, meeting them both has made me realize that I am unsure about what I want. Both of these men I met on tinder. I have recently deleted the app for the 6th or 7th time this year.

Guy #1 and I had sex once, he sent me money afterwards when I jokingly asked for some cash for my monthly Brazilian wax, and has expressed an interest in seeing me further. The downside is he mentioned multiple times he has anger issues and because of my abusive ex I really do not want to pursue anything further. When I asked him what he’s looking for he said he doesn’t want anything serious. So I’m confused as to why he was bummed when I told him my heart belongs to guy #2.

Guy #2 is something else. From the moment we met each other there was an instant connection. We’ve been seeing each other for a month or two and have not had sex. We talk about sex, fool around, and genuinely get along as much as we argue. I recently saw him after a two week break ( we were fighting) I hooked up with Guy #1 out of spite, loneliness, and curiosity of how I felt about him. I thought about him the whole time despite the sex being decent. He knows I saw #1 but I lied about having sex with him. Guy #2 has a lot of health problems, has three jobs, and is still in school. He says he is not in a place in his life to commit to someone because he’s still trying to juggle all his other commitments. Guy #2 has expressed he does not want me to see anyone else and gets mad if I bring up us both seeing other people.

Both these men pose a problem. They both do not want a relationship and I’m tired of being the girl that guys enjoy being around but don’t want a relationship with. Call it a curse but at least two of my “exes” are still with the women they met after we ended things despite telling me they didn’t want a relationship. Several other men I’ve talked to or hooked up with are also in relationships after saying they didn’t want a relationship. I’ve been single for about a year and a half and I feel like maybe I should be trying to get into another relationship but then again…. I’m also about to see a therapist in an hour for help coping with the abusive habits I picked up from my last relationship.

If you go online all the dating coaches talk about how if a guy says he does not want  a relationship then you need to walk away. Yet I keep ending up in these situations and I wonder if it’s because deep down inside I don’t want to be in a relationship either.

The thing that annoys me about both guys is the fact that it’s very clear they like me. Guy #1 expressed whoever guy #2 is must be a “lucky man” but then proceeded to say he doesn’t want a relationship. Guy #2 was worried he had sexually and emotionally lost me to someone else when we met up but constantly reminds me I overthink things and to go with the flow. Honestly for the past six years of my life I’ve met a ton of guys who admire me, enjoy being around me, and have liked me but have never met a man in my life who actually wanted to be in a relationship with me. The only serious relationship I’ve been in took a year for a commitment.

Why do I keep attracting these men who are clearly into me but do not want to commit? Am I being too open in some ways? Should I be playing cat and mouse games to prolong the chase? I try to always be myself in a relationship yet am puzzled as to why other women have men jumping through hoops for their attention and men are so hot and cold once they get an opportunity to be with me in some type of way.

Guy #2 said it makes him laugh when girls say they are queens but keep settling. Was this a subconscious message? Am I settling? Or am I actually overthinking things and someday my prince will come? A friend of mine recently said being beautiful, talented, and educated gives me a lot more power than most and I need to utilize it. I believe this is true and I used to revel in my power but now I feel like I don’t know what to do with it. What good is being an empress if the throne next to you is collecting dust?

In case you haven’t noticed, I really like guy #2. Despite everything I keep trying to do to get rid of him, he won’t leave. So what do I do?

I guess I’ll ask KP at 7:30.

 

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Unrequited so I write it…

From the moment I saw him I was hooked.

Should have known it wouldn’t last…another whirlwind romance for the books

The first guy to treat me like more than a sex toy

Too bad we weren’t right for each other…I really like this boy

Perhaps even love, but it’s too late for all that now

Like Rihanna, I gotta dip and take the L or a bow

The danger in falling in love with mixed signals is you don’t know if you’re really in love or being used differently

I wrote this guy poems and even put myself back into therapy

His presence was just enough to make me want to be better…and that was scary

I don’t know if he was “The One” but now I am left with all these feelings

Perhaps I pushed to hard for “what are we doing and where is this leading”

I got scared of never being Mrs. Right and settling to be Ms. Right Now

I’m tired of being a placeholder for another woman while a guy figures his shit out

I was petrified of falling into another “situationship”

I began to distance myself, hurt him, and withdraw into me

Maybe I can’t be surprised he doesn’t really fuck with me

I wish him the best and hope he finds someone else who isn’t a mess

We can’t choose who we love, but what do we do when it’s unrequited?

It’s funny how I don’t know the answer to that question

It’s my life experience… I should be able to write it

To the man who has captured my heart, I’m sorry I’m not what you need

I’ll pray for myself to get through this and hope these are words you never read

You may not know I love you and perhaps that’s for the best

Lord knows I couldn’t handle it if this poem made you think of me less

 

 

 

New Phone Who Dis?

I got a new phone recently and I purposely did not put 80% of my numbers in it

I got a new attitude recently and I am pointedly avoiding certain people

I got a new outlook on life recently and it doesn’t include dealing with the rude, the weak, and the obsolete

I got a new job a few months ago and I love what I do, who I work with, and how I feel

I got my own apartment recently and I enjoy coming home alone and being grown

I made some new friends recently and I’m feelin our late night beers, blunts, and chats in the dark

I’ve been traveling more recently and I’ve realized the world is so fucked up and so beautiful…makes you wonder what else there is out there

I’ve been changing my hair a lot lately and embracing my curvy figure

I’ve been wearing lashes everyday and taking time to apply my makeup in the mirror

I’ve been laughing more, loving myself, and forgetting about anyone else who is only concerned with themselves

If you haven’t heard from me recently it’s probably…no, DEFINITELY because you were holding me back from getting to this point

If I cut you off in the next few months it’s because your energy is not compatible with mine and I’m just tryna hang with people who wanna love each other and drink wine

I love falling in love with myself

Now I’m working towards falling in love with someone else

I know he’s out there…I can feel him

But until we meet I’m having the time of my life doing me

Sunday Wreck-fast

There is nothing sweeter than the syrup of the fruit of vitality

Your youth must be spread over cakes and mountains of doubt

Feed yourself the lies of the elders and swallow the truths of your peers

A breakfast of has beens and never was, telling tales of their lost loves

All you want is to live your life for yourself

Have a seat at the table and grab a tall glass of bathroom tears

A side of strength and perseverance to go with your scrambled young fears

Smell the familiar scent of dreams in the making that you’re desperately trying

Inhale the warmth of the nights you were out being young and weren’t crying

Chew over the plate you have been served in this life

Try hard to enjoy your breakfast and cut through the insecurities with a knife

Do yourself a favor and fill up. Don’t let life past you by

 

Pretty Girl Problems

They ask you how you could still be single because your exterior is beautiful

Educated, independent, a good heart, living  a life that’s fruitful

You accept the compliments with caution and agree to a date

You think things are going well and you’re willing to accept his less forgiving traits

Then he leans in for a kiss and his hands start to travel

You were so excited a moment ago, now you feel your interest begin to waver and unravel

You begin to wonder why men treat you like a piece of ass

Your guard goes up and you become disheartened by the number of men trying to move so fast

All you want is for someone to take the time and appreciate you beyond the curve of your lips and the rise in your hips

These attributes that would normally attract someone become a hurdle you can’t overcome

Why are you still single? It’s not because all guys suck

It’s because the cold-hearted truth is most men aren’t secure enough to want a pretty girl for more than a fuck

Your beauty becomes something to be captured, not held onto

Your personality becomes something tolerated for the chance to see you naked

Your capabilities are constantly doubted because you take the time to do your makeup

You begin to feel like an object and your personhood becomes obsolete

You ask God every night to send you man that will love you beyond what he sees

It’s hard to find someone already since so many women will give it up for free

Is it too much to ask to want someone who truly SEES me?

You know something’s up when you don’t give it up and a guy ghosts

I’m sorry that I don’t want to invite you over for something most likely mediocre

Yeah he spent $40 on a happy hour, but I could have paid for myself

To put a price on what’s between my legs is selfish

You become lonely, sexually frustrated, and suspicious of everyone’s intentions

Each time you take a chance, he goes and says something you wish he hadn’t mentioned

About his desire to do nasty things to you, his horniness, or his need to experiment with your race

They say pretty girls have it easy, but can anyone explain the sadness behind my brave face?

 

 

 

Swallow

You ever wonder how some people manage to effortlessly find love time and time again while the rest of us swipe right on Tinder on our lunch breaks, debate whether or not we should text our long distance hook up buddies who we have feelings for, agonize over why when we go out guys ignore us but stare all night, and puzzle over why all of our exes refused to fully commit to us but end up seriously falling for their next partner?

Oh you don’t? Well maybe it’s just me.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t bitter, angry, heartbroken and confused as to why if I’m such a catch I constantly get told “I don’t want a relationship right now” or am admired from a distance or downright scarily pursued by men only for sexual purposes. I’m attractive, college educated, strong, generous, loyal, great in the bedroom, and overall what I would describe as “wifey material”. Yet for some reason I am having so much trouble finding men who I can vibe with and who treat me like more than a piece of ass or a jump-off.

Today I sat in my car and I thought about why this keeps happening to me. And then I realized maybe the issue isn’t me as a person but it’s the people I give my time and attention to and the moves that I make when I’m pursuing someone. I have a tendency to get annoyed when a guy blows up my phone with “how was your day” texts when I’m not his girlfriend, but I also have a tendency to give my heart and my panties up to men who I’m not even sure  really like me. This is a tough pill to swallow but I feel like accepting this is the first step towards making the change from the catch that’s never being caught to the woman who is being loved.

I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t admit that I’m guarded, skeptical, and secretly love the chase. But there comes a point in life where meaningless sex, confusing “go with the flow” relationships, and sending ass pics to a crush to keep him interested becomes redundant and lonely. Perhaps I’m blocking myself from love because I’m relying on my looks and my sex skills to attract men out of fear of revealing what’s in my heart and who I am as a person.

Once upon a time I was a prude and a sweetheart and I was so lonely and teased mercilessly for it. So I decided that if holding onto my virtue wasn’t getting the boys maybe focusing on my looks and my head game would. I wish I could say that girl grew up and knows better now, but after entering the dating scene after a three year relationship and almost a year of celibacy, I’ve realized that confused young girl is still in there looking to please because she just wants someone to see beyond the front she puts up.

Truth of the matter is, I’m not confused about why I’m single. I’m single because I distance myself from men willing to put in the effort to know me beyond my exterior and what’s between my legs. I’m single because I’m horny and impulsive as well as slightly manic depressive so a few drinks at the bar and I’m ready to hop into bed with anyone who I vibe with and who says a few nice words. Truth of the matter is behind all my credentials I have not given dating a serious effort. I’m faking it to compensate for my fear of loving and actually being loved back.

I’m not saying I’m not a wonderful woman. I’m not saying I’m not worthy of love or don’t know my worth. I’m just trying to use this space to admit that perhaps instead of wondering why I’m single and lonely maybe I need to confront it and make some changes.

My first change? I think I’m going to give a nice guy a chance.

My second change? I think I’m going to try and open up a bit.

My third change? I think I’m going to accept the fact that I want to be loved and that I don’t have to perform for love from someone else. Sex shouldn’t be the only thing I offer someone. I need to let my personality shine through before the clothes come off.

Truth of the matter is you can love yourself and still make mistakes in love.

I’m just trying to love myself better.

The last step? Accepting some tough love from myself.

 

Friends and Benefits

The anticipation built, butterflies in my stomach

Waiting for the moment when I could feel your touch again

Your lips like a forbidden fruit picked fresh from a tree

Your hands so gentle yet so firm traveling all over my body

I touch your hair, feel your facial scruff

Tell you that I’m nervous even though I’ve been craving your touch

Feeling a little uneasy but your confidence makes me sure

My hands scratch the bed and I beg you for more

Your body so warm, your hands so strong

Time flies by and then the night is gone

Multiple bursts of orgasms like fourth of july fireworks

The desire has escalated so much that it hurts

The worst part of all this is not the fact I can’t see you every day

It’s the way you make my body move as I moan your name

I’m trying to keep this casual and not get so caught up

But every time I think about you, hooking up just isn’t enough

I try and keep it cool but I’m worried this oxytocin has me sprung

A dangerous hormone for the female psyche and I don’t want you to know you’ve won

You’ve captured my body, and you’re on the way to infiltrating my spirit

I can’t let you have my heart because I’m afraid to let anyone near it

See, this is the danger of liking someone you fuck

Especially when they know the difference between hitting it and making love

 

Fling

I never asked to be your girlfriend yet you seem to think otherwise

I never asked to be the “One” and to sleep over every night

I never asked to get to know you and develop something real

I never asked to be close to you and share how we each feel

You never asked me what I wanted and you made so many assumptions

You never asked me if I was feeling you and your self-absorption

You never asked me if I saw a future with you or if you were my type

You never asked me if I even liked you, but you decided what I like

The troubling thing about modern dating is the modern man

He invites you to dinners and like a wolf in sheep’s clothing he pretends to be your friend

But these guys are after one thing…Lauryn Hill got it right

They only buy you food and drinks to get you to go home with them at the end of the  night

As a modern woman I’m cool with that if it’s on my own terms

But when you try and set some rules without asking me you’ve really got some nerve

How dare you send me mixed messages in text messages after I understood it was just a hook up…is it because you know I regret it?

I don’t regret it because you don’t see a future with us

I don’t think it’s a mistake because you didn’t know me enough

I regret it because I don’t even like you and you’re so arrogant you can’t even notice that

I’m ashamed because I gave you a piece of my soul and you ignored it and ruined what we had

What we had was a pure moment of ecstasy that you ruined by drawing emotional lines and walls

And the truth of the matter is that you’re so clueless to your rudeness that I’m appalled

I’m disgusted I gave something so sacred as a one night stand to such an idiot

The only thing good that came out of it was that your head game was kinda lit

Yes one night stands can be sacred when two bodies and two hearts consume each other in pure lust

But you my friend are only capable of being a barely half-decent fuck

I’m not angry because you’re not my soulmate because I knew that the whole two months I curved you

I’m just irritated because you ruined a perfectly good moment with your stipulations, regulations, words of walls, and lazy exclamations

So I’m not cutting you off because of any hurt feelings

I’m saying goodbye because even casual sex should have a  meaning

 

 

A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime?

To My Former and Future Homies:

As we age, we become wiser, more thoughtful, and more aware of the ways of the world. This new knowledge in adulthood ranges from how to safely get back to your car on the late night to recipes that take more than twenty minutes and can be shared over mid-grade bottles of wine. The sad thing is that as we age we become more disposable to people and the word “friend” becomes a burden we not only bare, but are scared to dole out to too many people.

When I was in high school I made the mistake of calling everyone my friend and I paid the price for it in rumors, whispers, humiliation, and anonymos phone calls. In college, I played it a little closer to the chest and had different levels of friendship with different people. Not everyone was my friend but I truly tried to get to know as many people as I could. As I enter adulthood, it becomes harder to maintain certain relationships and I am forced to make choices I’ve never had to make before. Do I continue to widen my social circle or do I start cutting people off? What does friendship REALLY mean and is it really important?

The answer becomes more complicated when one takes into account that we are complex beings, others are complex beings, and as life shifts so do our priorities and beliefs. Then we must take into account the different spaces we fit into and how our lives become more compartmentalized. Suddenly. there is a time and place for everything and unlike the days of our teens and early 20’s life does not blend together quite easily. Everyone we know and love is on a completely different page and we are forced to draw boundaries where there were once open arms. New people come into our lives that match ourselves more closely and our priority becomes ourselves and those people who make ourselves feel good and feel whole.

There are our work friends who we gossip with about office drama over pho at lunch and drinks at happy hour. We share what we wish with these people at the risk of our professional reputations with an unspoken understanding that what happens at those tables is supposed to STAY at those tables. Whether it really does is dependent upon who you invite.

There are our friends from childhood who are spread out across the country and whenever we are all together it feels like home even if we aren’t home. These are the friends that we swap stories of our youth with over bottomless mimosas at rooftop parties. These are the friends who you can be your complete self around because they will love you no matter who you date, what you believe in, and how you spend your free time. These are the friends who will be in your wedding, call you up to congratulate you on your promotions, and who always have your back when the rest of the world doesn’t give a damn who you are. These friends are the most valuable because they have become your family and are irreplaceable.

Our college friends are also spread out like our high school friends, but these relationships become the most complex to navigate. Now that we no longer can see each other so easily because we’re not a dorm away and have way less free time, it becomes a true test of communication as we play phone tag for weeks, exchange drunk texts and Facebook chats, and eventually have two hour conversations a few times a year. As time goes on the phone calls come fewer and farther between as we develop into our adulthood. Unlike our friends from high school, unless we are fairly similar, it becomes extremely difficult to see the worth in putting in the effort to maintain these friendships because we do not have the history between us to really know if these friendships are sustainable. These relationships are the most disposable and the most heartbreaking to lose.

One takes for granted the ease of making true friends when we’re young. As we age we become bias, bitter, self-centered, and distant towards those who have supported us. We become stubborn and set in our ways. We become judgmental and snarky at the choices our former friends make as we move into the circles we “fit in” and climb the social ladder. Like the people in “Divergent” we take the test of survival and get sorted into different atmospheres that we “belong” in. And just like that, people who you once shared your last dime with become strangers whose Instagram or Facebook page is the only indication you have of how they’re doing.

They say people enter your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  So to all the “reasons” and “seasons” I’ve met these past few years I truly wish you the best in your future endeavors. I think I’m gonna take the rest of my lifetime to maintain and make friendships that do not die with a graduation, a new partner, a new location, or differing belief.

Kisses,

Your Former Friend

I am not Vampire Food: Letting go of Toxic People

I recently let a toxic person go. I cut this person out of my life before it became too difficult to let go. I’m beyond proud of myself on how far I’ve come in recognizing my own emotional needs and setting boundaries to barricade toxicity and toxic people from my life.

I won’t go into too much detail but let’s just say this person and I were incompatible in so many ways. He was only capable of fucking while I like to make love to my partner even if we’re not in love. He was emotionally unavailable and I’m looking to become emotionally entangled. He was bitter and negative while I am positive and shine with so much light. Needless to say, the dude was an energy vampire. And for those of you who do not know what energy vampires are they are people who lack enough positive life force to sustain themselves so they feed off of the positive energy of others. These people are also known as bullies, abusers, haters, users, opportunists, and overall TOXIC PEOPLE.

The last time I saw this person I felt drained and miserable. I was happy to see him at first  and then the more time I spent with him, the worse I felt about myself. He shamed the amount of food I ate, complained about my personality, and fondled me like a high school boy who was told by too many girls that he was good in bed. (For the record I do not like my nipples or my clit twisted roughly. It’s kinda painful and not in the ways that I like it. Drooling on me and getting visibly annoyed that I’m not cumming is also not arousing either).  The sex was average, he was average, and overall just a miserable person.

I decided to let go of this person because after about a  month and half of knowing each other he felt comfortable telling me I ate too much the previous day. It was a crushing blow after I spent the whole night trying to make HIM feel comfortable being naked with me because of his own insecurities. If I believed in body shaming I’d have some choice words for this guy but I’m just going to say that those who live in glass houses should NOT throw stones.  As someone who has battled with an eating disorder for the past six years and has a lot of overweight people in my family I did not feel comfortable with this guy in my life or near my body in any way.

Letting go of the situation feels so good. I knew that I was not interested in a serious relationship with this guy but when I took the time to think about things I realized I was settling. If I want to try love again why should I waste my time with a guy who is incapable of even loving himself? And if I don’t feel comfortable around someone why should I continue to share my body and my soul with them? I don’t really care what anyone in the sex-positive movement says, sex is NOT just sex. And if you’re looking at sex like it’s just sex than you’re not doing it right. You can make love without being in love. And you can be intimate with someone without being attached.

Toxic people are hard to walk away from and I mean this in the literal and the figurative sense. They are on the street, in our offices, in our families, and occasionally we invite these people into our homes. But we should never allow these people to pollute our souls and must take every precaution in order to defend ourselves from their dangerous reach and the potent stench they leave on our emotional well-being.  Once you allow a toxic person into your life you need to do what one would do with a vampire: become one or kill the source. Which do you choose?