Even though I wouldn’t go back to high school if you paid me Beyoncé’s net worth, I definitely do miss how simple life was back then. I always rolled my eyes when people told me to enjoy being a teenager and have fun. I don’t think I had enough fun nor do I think I appreciated being a teenager as much as I should have. My biggest concerns were acing biology tests and trying to avoid catty high school girls. Instead of dating or going to parties, on the weekends I spent most of my time watching Lifetime movies, Law and Order reruns, and getting lost in the pages of fiction novels. I used to be able to read a whole book in one weekend and the librarians always said “See you Friday!” when I dropped off my weekend retreat from high school into the book drop on Mondays.
I chuckle at how I took the stability and the certainty of my life for granted. I may not have lived life to the fullest in high school but I LOVED my college years. Everything I wasn’t in high school I got the chance to be in that phase of my life and I am so thankful for that. Life started to get a bit more complicated but it was no biggie. Especially when I traded my novels for mini skirts and my Lifetime movies for parties in hipster boys’ basements with way too many cans of Rolling Rock and not enough sense to care. I wish I had cared more because I would have saved myself an extra year of college and many nights of doing my work for the entire semester at 3 a.m hyped up on Adderall, coffee, and nicotine. You live and you learn though.
Despite the highs and lows with both these phases of life, I genuinely appreciate each extreme. I literally got to live a Rihanna album and go from the a sheltered only child to a blunt-smoking wild child (Good Girl Gone Bad ladies, gentleman, and non-conforming individuals). Now that both high school and college are over I’m left wondering what the next phase will bring. That sheltered girl is LONGGGG gone but that wild one is definitely more reserved now. In other words, I’m having a quarter life/identity crisis.
Suddenly I have no idea who I need to be right now because both the caricatures of my former self don’t fit who I am at this time. My grandma mentioned to me today that she wants to get to know me as the woman I am now and I realized that I don’t even know the woman I am now. I know what I believe in and I know what I’ve been through and where I wanna go…but I have no idea who I am right now. I’ve changed so much to the point that I don’t even recognize who I am on the inside. And as I continue to interview for my first “real” job I wonder who my interviewers are meeting.
I know that it will hit me later on down the line but for right now I am so confused and so conflicted. Do I want a relationship right now? Nah I need to get my life together. But should I be dating? Maybe because I’m young and I should just have fun. Or should I just pull a Michelle Obama and focus on my career and myself and just wait for someone to come along? It’s all so confusing. Are there some friendships that I need to let go for good or should I just take a break from them? How many days a week do I want to work out? Should I go to the library and check out a book to read? Do I REALLY want to go to law school? Should I go back to being a vegetarian? Should I buy a vibrator and celebrate month 8 of my celibacy or should I find a fuck buddy? Should I hit up my ex or that guy I went on a few dates with? NAH LEAVE THEM ALONE THEY’RE BOTH NUTS AND TOXIC FOR MY HEALTH. I go through this A LOT now.
I know I’m not alone in this uncertainty/questioning because a lot of my friends are going through it, but I feel alone. As soon as I bring up any of these conflictions to anyone else in my life they hit me with the whole “Do you” thing or give me a piece of advice that I really don’t like. So instead I just go over these things in my mind until I get distracted by a piece of hair that isn’t a spider. Eventually I calm down, breathe, and shake the questions because I’ve slowly come to realize that the only way I’ll become familiar with myself is if I look internally for who I am instead of my environment. So here I am writing this blog about my internal self in the hopes that I’ll realize wtf I’m doing with my life and who the hell I am. As you can see, it’s still a work in progress.
So to all my 20-somethings who have no idea who they are YOU ARE NOT ALONE. To all the teenagers out there bitching about their crush not texting back and the chemistry test they have tomorrow STFU AND ENJOY YOUR BASIC EXISTANCE. To everyone else…Please let me know if it gets easier.