I am not Vampire Food: Letting go of Toxic People

I recently let a toxic person go. I cut this person out of my life before it became too difficult to let go. I’m beyond proud of myself on how far I’ve come in recognizing my own emotional needs and setting boundaries to barricade toxicity and toxic people from my life.

I won’t go into too much detail but let’s just say this person and I were incompatible in so many ways. He was only capable of fucking while I like to make love to my partner even if we’re not in love. He was emotionally unavailable and I’m looking to become emotionally entangled. He was bitter and negative while I am positive and shine with so much light. Needless to say, the dude was an energy vampire. And for those of you who do not know what energy vampires are they are people who lack enough positive life force to sustain themselves so they feed off of the positive energy of others. These people are also known as bullies, abusers, haters, users, opportunists, and overall TOXIC PEOPLE.

The last time I saw this person I felt drained and miserable. I was happy to see him at first  and then the more time I spent with him, the worse I felt about myself. He shamed the amount of food I ate, complained about my personality, and fondled me like a high school boy who was told by too many girls that he was good in bed. (For the record I do not like my nipples or my clit twisted roughly. It’s kinda painful and not in the ways that I like it. Drooling on me and getting visibly annoyed that I’m not cumming is also not arousing either).  The sex was average, he was average, and overall just a miserable person.

I decided to let go of this person because after about a  month and half of knowing each other he felt comfortable telling me I ate too much the previous day. It was a crushing blow after I spent the whole night trying to make HIM feel comfortable being naked with me because of his own insecurities. If I believed in body shaming I’d have some choice words for this guy but I’m just going to say that those who live in glass houses should NOT throw stones.  As someone who has battled with an eating disorder for the past six years and has a lot of overweight people in my family I did not feel comfortable with this guy in my life or near my body in any way.

Letting go of the situation feels so good. I knew that I was not interested in a serious relationship with this guy but when I took the time to think about things I realized I was settling. If I want to try love again why should I waste my time with a guy who is incapable of even loving himself? And if I don’t feel comfortable around someone why should I continue to share my body and my soul with them? I don’t really care what anyone in the sex-positive movement says, sex is NOT just sex. And if you’re looking at sex like it’s just sex than you’re not doing it right. You can make love without being in love. And you can be intimate with someone without being attached.

Toxic people are hard to walk away from and I mean this in the literal and the figurative sense. They are on the street, in our offices, in our families, and occasionally we invite these people into our homes. But we should never allow these people to pollute our souls and must take every precaution in order to defend ourselves from their dangerous reach and the potent stench they leave on our emotional well-being.  Once you allow a toxic person into your life you need to do what one would do with a vampire: become one or kill the source. Which do you choose?



Pains of Growing

Projection or the truth?

I get my I.D taken and secretly revel in the apparent shock of the clerk at my youth

He hands me my cigs and I walk proudly out the door

Then the feeling sinks in that this is why I can no longer relate to other women like before

Like before when they made a hate club about me

Spread rumors and lies and got mad because I am genuinely the girl who gets the guys

It gets worse when you get to the professional sphere…

The competition increases as the age and the beauty separates from the old who have fulfilled their duties

Brains and booty, spandex to reign it all in

No matter how big you paint your smile you can’t seem to win

The judgement weighs in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sticks and stones and all those other things

Wondering what the future will bring

Growth and maturity but history repeats itself

Cattiness and anger to hide the complexities and the vulnerabilities of the inner self

Long drives home because you just need to be alone

Add alcohol and other substances to the mix and one becomes more in tune with the way that others think

You feel like you need to hold back as the energy vampires feed off your brightness

You leave the house everyday filled with so much light only to return with so much darkness

These parallels and binaries of good vs. evil and standing out vs. fitting in

Just for once you fall asleep and ask yourself why the hell you just can’t seem to get it

Deep down inside everyone is a mess and has their vices and outlets to unload burdens and weights off of their chest

Fucked up from your ex, texts from your mom, same shit different story and you dedicate a Spotify playlist to the soundtracks of your life and mood music that is full of bullshit songs

Do we live to break hearts or do hearts break because others live?

It’s times like these I really wish I had Dumbledore’s pensieve