You ever wonder how some people manage to effortlessly find love time and time again while the rest of us swipe right on Tinder on our lunch breaks, debate whether or not we should text our long distance hook up buddies who we have feelings for, agonize over why when we go out guys ignore us but stare all night, and puzzle over why all of our exes refused to fully commit to us but end up seriously falling for their next partner?

Oh you don’t? Well maybe it’s just me.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t bitter, angry, heartbroken and confused as to why if I’m such a catch I constantly get told “I don’t want a relationship right now” or am admired from a distance or downright scarily pursued by men only for sexual purposes. I’m attractive, college educated, strong, generous, loyal, great in the bedroom, and overall what I would describe as “wifey material”. Yet for some reason I am having so much trouble finding men who I can vibe with and who treat me like more than a piece of ass or a jump-off.

Today I sat in my car and I thought about why this keeps happening to me. And then I realized maybe the issue isn’t me as a person but it’s the people I give my time and attention to and the moves that I make when I’m pursuing someone. I have a tendency to get annoyed when a guy blows up my phone with “how was your day” texts when I’m not his girlfriend, but I also have a tendency to give my heart and my panties up to men who I’m not even sure  really like me. This is a tough pill to swallow but I feel like accepting this is the first step towards making the change from the catch that’s never being caught to the woman who is being loved.

I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t admit that I’m guarded, skeptical, and secretly love the chase. But there comes a point in life where meaningless sex, confusing “go with the flow” relationships, and sending ass pics to a crush to keep him interested becomes redundant and lonely. Perhaps I’m blocking myself from love because I’m relying on my looks and my sex skills to attract men out of fear of revealing what’s in my heart and who I am as a person.

Once upon a time I was a prude and a sweetheart and I was so lonely and teased mercilessly for it. So I decided that if holding onto my virtue wasn’t getting the boys maybe focusing on my looks and my head game would. I wish I could say that girl grew up and knows better now, but after entering the dating scene after a three year relationship and almost a year of celibacy, I’ve realized that confused young girl is still in there looking to please because she just wants someone to see beyond the front she puts up.

Truth of the matter is, I’m not confused about why I’m single. I’m single because I distance myself from men willing to put in the effort to know me beyond my exterior and what’s between my legs. I’m single because I’m horny and impulsive as well as slightly manic depressive so a few drinks at the bar and I’m ready to hop into bed with anyone who I vibe with and who says a few nice words. Truth of the matter is behind all my credentials I have not given dating a serious effort. I’m faking it to compensate for my fear of loving and actually being loved back.

I’m not saying I’m not a wonderful woman. I’m not saying I’m not worthy of love or don’t know my worth. I’m just trying to use this space to admit that perhaps instead of wondering why I’m single and lonely maybe I need to confront it and make some changes.

My first change? I think I’m going to give a nice guy a chance.

My second change? I think I’m going to try and open up a bit.

My third change? I think I’m going to accept the fact that I want to be loved and that I don’t have to perform for love from someone else. Sex shouldn’t be the only thing I offer someone. I need to let my personality shine through before the clothes come off.

Truth of the matter is you can love yourself and still make mistakes in love.

I’m just trying to love myself better.

The last step? Accepting some tough love from myself.



2 thoughts on “Swallow

  1. I love your openness and abitlty to translate yourself to word without it being a complete mess. I hope you go back and read this one often. Maybe tape it to your bathroom mirror. You give yourself some pretty solid advice.

    Liked by 1 person

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